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I hate when people tell me "it wasn't meant to be" - whatever it refers to at that time. They always say it so soothingly too, with concern etched into their faces. As if it's supposed to make me feel better. As if they mean for what they say to be consoling.

I know that people who say it mean only the best, and so when they say something wasn't meant to be, or speak of fate, I try just to smile strainedly. I try not to take it personally as I know it usually isn't meant personally. But really, I can't help but feel offended.

The idea of fate might be comfortable for some, but in my opinion it is appalling. If something is not meant to be, who means something to be what it is? The very statement presupposes the existence of some higher power which controls all aspects of my life - of everyone's life. The very notion of fate insults me by robbing me of my freedom to choose. It insults me by assuming I am so weak, so incapable of willing, that I can't live my life the way I want to.

I don't mean to say that I can do anything, or that my will solely determines my life. I can want something and do everything I can to get it and still not have things turn out the way I want them to. I believe we're all thrown into the river at birth, a river whose current draws us down the stream, and no attempt at swimming against the current will succeed for long. We can change our paths a little, but the overal flow of it - downstream - is something we can't escape.

How is this different from the idea of fate? The idea that such a path is meant. That that such a path is the only one that exists.

Something that is meant is something that is planned. I refuse to believe that my life is planned. Sure, the general direction of it is set in stone, but the river is only a tributary with many paths and many endings. Often - not always, but often - I can work with the flow to choose which path it pushes me into. The only thing "fated" is death. What I do to get there, or even how and where I die, is left primarily up to me.

Something that is meant is planned in such a way as to make it meaningful, with the right to coin the definition of meaningfulness arbitrarily assigned to some "Un-meaned Mean-er" (sorta like Aquinas' Uncaused Cause, except much more grammatically awkward) or Unfated Fate. I determine what is meaningful in my life, thank you very much. What people call fate or destiny or divine will I call coincidence. No meaning about it. If I step out of the house and get struck by a freak streak of lightning, that isn't some unescapable verdict from the universe about how well (or badly) I am living my life. That isn't a sign from god that I'm a sinner. That doesn't make me 'unlucky'; the kind of luck I believe in does not curse or bless with some predetermined pattern. Luck is random. Coincidental. So the lightning? I would say it just happened. And move on.

I look at where I am in my life today as a combination of luck and will. Some parts of it I decided I wanted and worked to get. Other parts I never thought to want or did anything to bring about. These coincidences I certainly didn't plan, but that doesn't lead me to conclude that anyone else planned it for me, either.

"Not meant to be" is a crutch. It's what people tell others and themselves to reject the threat to their egos. No, it's not that I was lazy or that I didn't try hard enough; it's that it wasn't meant to be. To me that's disgusting. Comfortable and convenient and understandable, but still disgusting. Either take responsibility for your actions if the disappointment was due to your lack of will, or accept the random tragedies that comes with the luck of the draw. Don't create some abstract entity to shoulder your burdens.

On the flip side, "meant to be" is plagiarism. Have you ever done something you're really proud of? something you worked hard for and sweated over and cried over because you wanted so badly to get it right - and you did? I have. I won't say what it was, but I will say that the first person I told about it said of it, "It really must have just been meant to be". I wanted to slap him. *I* made it. Me. Don't tell me that the only thing that kept you from making it instead of me was my 'destiny'. It was my effort, unique to me and willed by me, that made the difference.

Really both sides ("meant to be" and "not meant to be") are cases of plagiarism - except that instead of attributing my mistakes (or the striking of chance) to Fate, "meant to be" attributes to Fate my triumphs. The truth is that my successes, as well as my failures, are mine and mine alone. To deny this truth would be cowardice or ignorance.

If I ever come to you crying, don't tell me "it wasn't meant to be". Tell me only that it happened. Tell me only to move on.

*** Disclaimer: the preceding entry is not based on recent events.