Pinoy Blog Machine (Beta)

What did you dream about last night?  

I don't usually remember my dreams, but today I did. It was an amalgam of seemingly random tidbits, but I'll skip through all that and get to the important part.

They were standing by the door to my parents' bathroom (which was conspicuously empty of my parents and any sign it was theirs) and when I came into the room I could hear them talking, but I couldn't hear what they were talking about. I walked on to the bathroom, calling for Ted, whom apparently I was involved with... and stopping short when I saw Rob standing next to Ted.

He was dressing up the way I've seen him dress up a thousand times. He had his pants on, and was leaning against the doorjamb as he buttoned his (still mostly unbuttoned) shirt. He looked so good, my cheesehead, that I was in shock for a full second. I hadn't expected to see him there.

And then I was on him, pressing my lips against all the parts of him that I could reach - arms, shoulders, chest, stomach - and I remember briefly catching the hurt look on Ted's face out of the corner of my eye... and quickly pushing the pang of guilt away. I remember finally settling down with my cheek against the center of his chest, just breathing him in and feeling him and being totally at rest. He didn't bend down to kiss me, as if not wanting to hurt Ted further with my obvious display of affection, and instead lifted a hand to my back and let it lie there.

I noticed then that he was holding a marker, and Ted was standing shirtless with an unfinished note scribbled in marker on his chest. I don't remember what exactly it said, but it was addressed to me. (Why Rob would be writing a note to me on Ted's chest I have no idea.) I smiled and told Rob to finish it, then.

He looked at me, began writing again, and I slowly spelled out the word he was writing with each letter. L... I... A... R.

My world reeled. Confused and panicked, I denied that I had lied in any way, but when I looked at Rob's face, I knew he didn't believe me. And suddenly the two of them, Rob and Ted, standing together in front of me, looked very much like two disgruntled ex-boyfriends who'd just compared notes and found me guilty.

And then I woke up, with the scent of him and the feel of his body against my lips - as well as his subsequent rejection of me - still very fresh in my memory.

Sometimes, even just a passing thought you don't act on can swallow you whole with guilt.