Within the world of bloggers and other online journals, this is our "breathing space".
We care not what others think of us as long as we post our thoughts and
it's an excuse to let out our emotional burden or just to get away with
everything.
This blog is my play ground; the internet is our
playground. Almost everything can be done through the internet.
Ordering pizzas; buying stuffs online, from books to house hold items,
you name it. There there comes the community: Online games, blogs, art
sites, forums, etc.
A blog is where we forget to ourselves. We
express our thoughts, not just one thought but trails of them... from
things you like; things you hate; things you love; and new things that
you discover. I often worry that people will make a mistake on
understanding who I am from the things that I write. Some people
doesn't care, as long as they get something to read on the net.
Today,
it's the death anniversary of my grand mother and I forgot about it. I
was too indulge on my own depression that I wasn't thinking about other
things. My mom, she's 60+, I know that one of these days she's going to
heaven (I hope more later than sooner) and so is my dad. I often worry
on what I am going to do if my parents are gone. How will I live? how
will my brother live?
Last night, I tried to tell my mother what
really happened on how I lost my job. My mother never seemed to respond
very well on how she'll talk to me and to my brother. I know it was a
dead end conversation before it even started. Whenever I tell her
things, she'd change the subject and I know my dad would do the same.
They've been always like this since I was a kid. They don't want to
hear any problems from us since they've been hearing too many problems
outside the family as it is. That's the way it was and that's the way
they do it still.
This afternoon, everyone's telling me that I'm
getting too thin and they are right. I could see my rib cage from
looking at the mirror before I go take a shower. My rashes is still
here and my mom wants me to see a dermatologist but my big brother's
wife still have to set up a schedule. I never asked any of this.
I've
always been a loner since I was a kid, never had much friends that
stays and chitchat with me. I was never allowed to have friends when I
was a kid. I end up writing on diaries, blogs and other things. I used
to write poetry... it wasn't to impress my mother who is a writer but
writing made me feel free. That's because of Dexter's help last November 2000. He introduced me to the powerpoets and from that on, I felt like I can express myself from that medium. I write my pains... but lately, I can't produce any.. it seems like my energy is too low and just enough to keep me breathing.
My
mom found one of my old blog a few years back and I am glad that I didn't write
anything about my problems at those times and only reflections. My mom
would prolly see my blog eventually, it's not a big deal. I never
wanted to keep secrets from her. It's just that I never felt like I
can tell her any of my problems. She wasn't a good listener to me and I didn't have any patience anyway.
She's a "super hero" in my book. She saves other people's lives and so
does my dad. Just not with me and my 2nd brother. Ironic? I couldn't agree
more. I am not griping about my parents. God, I love my parents. They
fed me; raised me; put me to school; sent me to summer work shops but that's just it. I never
learned much on how to deal with my emotions towards problems. I often get scared
when my dad gets mad if he sees me being all emotional and especially
when I start crying.
Lately, my mom wants to reach out for me. Asking if
I want to go to some poetry and writing classes. I appreciate it but I
never really wanted to go to those things. I do admit that I have a lot
of grammatical errors. I'm not a total genius. My dad wants me to help
him with his work but with my allergy, I can't seem to stay focus in
his work shop. x_x The dust. I have allergies on dusts, sudden change
of weather and there's the allergy with chilly. I feel like I'll end up
in a bubble sphere.
I need a place to breath.
